Trash Panda Blocker 9000
💥 Protecting garbage, dignity, and your soul since 2025 💥
"My trash hasn't been touched in 14 days. I'm terrified."
— Samuel L. Jackson (probably not)
"Once it activated, my lawn started emitting Wi-Fi."
— Random Reddit Comment, 2023
"This device told me secrets about myself I hadn’t even told my therapist."
— Confused early adopter
🧪 Core Features (as interpreted by raccoons):
- 🦝 Real-time trash analysis powered by squirrel tears
- 🔊 Screams in raccoon dialect (subtitles not included)
- 🚨 Servo-arm lid slammer™ (Patent pending in 6 dimensions)
- 🌙 Optimized for moonlight & poor decisions
- 🧠 AI trained on 4 raccoons, 1 possum, and a Roomba
- 📦 Dashboard coming soon. Or not. We’ll see.